I questioned myself. Why had I rescheduled my test for Friday morning? Sure, I had been ready Monday, and the IT issues were completely out of my control, but I knew I would be exhausted.
I was right. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally wiped out by Thursday night. A million worries traveled through the highway of thoughts in my brain as I tried to sleep. I settled myself with prayer praying through Philippians 4:6 and finally found peaceful sleep.
I woke up, had my coffee, reviewed my flashcards, and took a deep breath. This was it. As I prayed during my drive, I tried to recenter my focus. God was, is, has always been in control.
Well, no IT issues this time. I took advantage of every last second allotted for my test. Some questions were tough. I prayed several times throughout. When it was done, I took the papers from the proctor. They are handed to you facedown. I carried them that way and promptly stuffed them under my planner in my car.
I couldn’t bring myself to look at them.
I wanted something tangible to bring me comfort. It was damp and raining. I drove to Starbucks and carried my overpriced comfort in a cup to my car. I drove down the street to a plaza full of restaurants, cafes, and stores and parked way out away from other cars.
I looked at those papers. What was I afraid of? Why was I being so dramatic? Fear of failing? Letting myself down? Letting others down? Financial worries of having to pay to test again?
My gaze fixed on the raindrops on my windshield.
Sometimes, the hardest form of grace to extend is to ourselves.
So, I prayed. I prayed that I would be willing to accept whatever those papers said…pass or fail. I prayed that I would trust God no matter what. I prayed that I would believe His hand was in this.
With a deep breath, I opened the folded papers.
The flood of tears immediately poured. Relief. Joy. Expectancy. Confirmation. Exhaustion.
But, most of all, the realization that I am growing in my trust in Him. I really was prepared for whatever those papers said.
Grace in every day places and spaces. Sometimes, it is to ourselves that we must extend grace to.
Give yourself some grace today.